Saturday, January 23, 2021

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Gravy Goads US Male

Sources have informed the Competitive Eating Network that Gravy Brown is disappointed by the fact that Philadelphia's US Male does not intend to compete at the Rouses Crawfish Eating World Championship that's set to occur during this year's French Quarter Festival.

CEN has been able to obtain a copy of a letter Gravy Brown reportedly sent to US Male earlier this week. The document's authenticity hasn't been proven, but it is printed on "Sir Gravy Brown" letterhead. This letterhead is curiously embossed with a crest from "The Girls' Brigade," an international and interdenominational Christian youth organization that was founded in Dublin, Ireland in 1893.

In the letter, Gravy urges US Male to compete in the crawfish contest and defend his crawfish eating title. Gravy immediately recognizes the high price of traveling to New Orleans during the popular French Quarter Festival, and goes on to offer full reimbursement of gas money should US Male and Wild Bill elect to drive to the Crescent City. Once there, Gravy promises to hand them a $50 Krystal Gift Card with which they can purchase a sackful of the greatest burgers on planet earth. Gravy goes on to offer even more: lodging for US Male and Wild Bill in a loft Gravy and his contingent have rented in the New Orleans CBD.

Gravy writes that "New Orleans with Gravy Brown is not something that should be missed" and then encourages US Male to alert Wild Bill to the fact that "the party don't stop until 6 in the morn."

While CEN can't claim to have deciphered the Gravy Brown missive with complete accuracy, it seems the Potato Wedges Champion closes by intimating that US Male wears "granny panties" rather than "proper men's boxer briefs."

CEN has not placed calls into any of the named parties. As such, calls have not gone unanswered. One can only wait to see if this back and forth turns into a true Louisiana crawfish boil.